Ian's Outlet

Movin' On

2006-10-19T23:46:00.000-04:00

This song, written by Phillip White and Vincent Williams and performed by the country group Rascal Flats, may not have been written by or for a gay married man but it may as well have been. Both the music and the lyrics so perfectly capture so much of what I've been feeling the last few days/weeks/months I won't dilute it any further with additional commentary.

Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived liked I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

A man by the name of Nigel S. Evans has compiled a video on YouTube. The combination of music
and imagery creates a truly haunting effect.

Warning: if watching this video does not bring you to tears, seek immediate medical attention

Scary Fairy

2006-10-02T09:27:00.000-04:00

For reasons I don't entirely understand, I seem to intimidate people. It's heart wrenching to see people that you respect and admire...friends, family, loved ones...back away from you, to see the fear in their eyes.

I don't try to be scary or intimidating. I like to think that I'm a pretty nice guy, that I'm approachable. At 5'11", 190 lbs (most of that being "pudge") I'm certainly not a physically imposing figure. I'm never physically violent. I am very rarely even verbally violent. You really have to go out of your way to piss me off before I go off. I've even had others tell me that I have the patience of a saint.

I admit there are times when I can be a bit intense, especially when I'm passionate about something. Is that really something to be afraid of?

Teacher's Pet

2006-08-18T18:18:00.000-04:00

My wife and I homeschool our daughter. As part of the process of "keeping us legal" we have a year-end assessment to show that she is in fact actually learning something. This basically involves a certified teacher reviewing the work she's done over the year and giving his or her stamp of approval. There are a number of homeschooler-friendly assessors, so it is not as akward situation as one might expect.

Most years it's just my wife that meets with the assessor, but this year the meeting was scheduled early enough that I could join the meeting and still get to work on time. We arrived at the agreed-upon location, which turned out to be a coffee shop in the campus district which was, if not a gay hangout, certainly gay-friendly. While my wife was inside getting a muffin for herself and our daughter I grabbed a seat at one of the little tables that was setup outside while I finished off my cigarette.

Of course I wasn't just smoking while I was out there. I was also taking in the local scenery which, being as early as it was, admittedly sparse, but no less enjoyable. I was about halfway through with my cigarette when I saw a cute guy walking up the sidewalk. He had blonde hair cut in a "high and tight" style of haircut and he obviously worked out. While not big or bulky, his muscles were definitely well defined. I was pleasantly surprised when he flashed me a little smile (a smile which I happily returned). Then he started walking right towards me! Needless to say, this only made my smile that much bigger! That is until he was about ten feet away and I realized this was the assessor!

I had met him a time or two before (in addition to assessing homeschoolers, he also taught a number of classes at the rec center we frequent), but this was before "coming out to myself." Somehow at the time I didn't realize (or refused to admit) just how attractive he is! The difference a year makes...

I'm Ok (for some value of 'Ok')

2006-07-18T19:33:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Some of you have noticed (which makes me feel pretty good, even if it does mean that I've given you cause to worry). I recently received a message from Troll, and before that another from Joe the Bear. Both said basically the same thing, "You haven't posted in awhile. Are you Ok?"

I was going to respond privately to Troll, but then I figured this would probably be as good a thing to post about as any.

I'm at a point in my life where I've accepted who I am (namely, a gay man). Hell, more than accepted! I enjoy checking out the cute guys at work, on the beach, in the mall, on the way to and from work. And I enjoy it even more when they check me out. I no longer get embarrassed if somebody catches me visiting a gay website (no porn, thank you very much! planetout.com, gaywired.com, that sort of thing).

Don't get me wrong, I've still got a long ways to go. I'm a gay man in a heterosexual marriage. That is not a viable long term solution. I know where I need to be (as a single gay man living on my own), I'm just not sure how to get there. But I know that one of these days, one way or another, I will get there.

Take Care and Be Safe,
Ian

The Game

2006-05-23T06:54:00.000-04:00

It starts with a look. He smiles, and oh what a smile! I've heard people talk about a smile that lights up the room, but I've never experienced before. Until now. It is just so vibrant, full of joy! I can't help but smile back. I feel so giddy.

We talk about some project or another, but my heart isn't really in it. I am lost in those eyes that seem so deep.

Later, he calls me over to his cube. He wants to go over some issues. There is that smile again! The smile that goes all the way up to those deep, liquid eyes. I stand over his shoulder, trying to concentrate on the spreadsheet he has before him.

"Why don't you grab a chair," he says, his voice soft and comforting. I pull a chair over from a nearby cube. The current occupant is gone, probably off to lunch. He won't miss it. We sit next to each other, going over the data. His leg brushes mine. Was that an accident? Or was it intentional? It doesn't matter. The contact sends a jolt of electricity through me. There it is again! Was that the start of a smile that I saw?

One of the other developers comes into the cube. He suddenly moves his leg. The contact is broken. At least for now...

The Da Vinci Code

2006-05-19T05:52:00.000-04:00

Today the movie The Da Vinci Code, based on the novel of the same name by Dan Brown, will be released in American theatres. Both the novel and the movie have sparked a great deal of controversy across the globe, including protests and riots. My own family has even gotten into the action, with my born-again sister forwarding this response by Anglican bishop Tom Wright.

Below are my Top Ten Reasons Why The Da Vinci Code Is Not A Big Deal. Feel free to create your own.

The Norns

2006-05-03T20:29:00.000-04:00

An ash I know, Yggdrasil its name,
With water white is the great tree wet;
Thence come the dews that fall in the dales,
Green by Urth's well does it ever grow.

Thence come the maidens mighty in wisdom,
Three from the dwelling down 'neath the tree;
Urth is one named, Verthandi the next,--
On the wood they scored,-- and Skuld the third.
Laws they made there, and life allotted
To the sons of men, and set their fates.

Voluspo, 19-20

Urd (That Which Has Become), The Crone. It is she who trims the threads, pre-ordaining the length of the lives of both men and gods.

Verdandi (That Which is Becoming), The Mother, weaves the individuals threads, which represent each of our lives, into the Tapestry of Fate.

Skuld (That Which is Yet to Come), The Maiden. It is she who spins new threads from Urd's trimmings.

Together, they continually weave the Tapestry of Fate. But it is not a static tapestry. Rather, it is panorama, in constant motion. Sometimes it moves creepingly, imperceptibly. At other times, it rushes forward in great leaps and gusts, but it is always moving.

The Tao of Sexuality

2006-04-24T23:38:00.000-04:00

The path that can be described is not The Way
The label that can be spoken is not true
With labels or descriptions,
the love of a man can be experienced

To distinguish the way of the gay married man from other ways
descriptions are used
To identify with compatriots, labels are used

So it is that one man experiences the love of another
While another knows that which he desires without experience
Who is to say which is the better path?
Though their construction varies, the results are the same.

When faithfullness is abstracted
Then infidelity has been implied
When exhiliaration is abstracted
Then depression has been implied

Gay and straight are abstracted from sexuality
Masculine and feminine are abstracted from gender

The wise man experiences without abstraction
Achieves without striving
He accepts the ebb and flow of things
Nurtures them but does own them

Fellow Travellers

2006-04-05T21:42:00.000-04:00

Young was I once, and wandered alone,
And nought of the road I knew;
Rich did I feel when a comrade I found,
For man is man's delight.

Coming out can be a very lonely experience. Those who we count amoung our friends, even if they are generally gay-friendly, have no way of relating to our experiences. For those of us who are married, perhaps with children, the feelings of loneliness and isolation are only exasperated. Any gay friends or family we may have have as difficult at time related to our experiences as family men as our straight friends have in relating to our feelings of affection and attraction to other men.

Fortunately, with the advent of the internet, and especially with the popularity of blogging, we can now connect to others who do know what we are going through, because they have been there themselves. Or they may even be there right now.

We are the gay married men. We come from diverse backgrounds, each with our own unique experiences, our own story tell. Even so, it is our similiarities, and not our differences, which bring us together, allowing us to share in each others little victories and to sympathize when one of us stumbles. It is that connection that allows us pick each other up when we fall, and to push back the dark clouds of isolation, if only for a little while.

On the right side of this site, you will find links to a few of my fellow travellers. Take a few minutes and pay them a visit. Read their stories. Share in their triumphs and their challenges. Who knows, you might find a kindred spirit there as well.

Take Care and Be Safe,
Ian

Sweet Release

2006-03-30T08:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not normally one to include politics or current events in my blog, because that's not what this is all about. But there are some stories that are just too good to pass up.

This morning Italian news agency ANSA reported that American Reporter Jill Carroll had been released by her kidnappers after nearly three months of captivity. Her employer, the Christian Science Monitor confirmed the report, with the following short statement being added to the Jill Carroll Update page

After being held hostage for nearly three months, Jill Carroll is free.

My thoughts go out to the Carroll family, as well as to all those, both American and Iraqi, who have unjustly had their loved ones taken from them.

Take Care and Be Safe,
Ian

Facade

2006-03-24T06:16:00.000-05:00

The word is French, meaning front. It is also the french term for make-up. In architectural terms, it refers to the faux brick exterior one often sees in suburban strip malls and the hastily erected office complexes.

Over the past 25 years I have worked quite diligently, if subconsciously, to build up my own personal facades, pleasant exteriors to display to the world, hiding the shabby contstruction that is the inner "me". Straight Guy, Selfless Altruist, Mature Adult, Happily Married Man. There have been a few cracks here and there, a chipped piece of brick or siding that doesn't fit just right, but all in all it has witheld the test of time.

So then why, all of a sudden, does it feel like it is all coming down, crumbling around me, leaving me exposed and vulnerable?

Coming Out: A Heathen Perspective

2006-03-22T06:50:00.000-05:00

I don't have alot of time before I have to get ready for work, but I wanted to get this started before I forget, lose my nerve, etc.

Coming out has been one of the most difficult, challenging and scary experiences that I have ever been through (with the caveat that I am not actually through. This truly is an ongoing process). It has certainly changed my perspective on a whole slew of topics I had thought were settled a long time ago. For most of us (and yes, I realize that I may be making overly broad generalizations here), the situation is exacerbated by the fact that even amoung those with friends and family who are generally supportive, they really have no way of relating to what we are going through.

During these times, I think it is natural to turn to faith as both an anchor and a source of inspiration. As a heathen, I think my own experience may be somewhat different from that of my Jewish and Christian friends.

This is a subject I plan to delve into in the coming days, but for now, both as a starting point and because I suspect that most of my readers will have little familiarity with Heathenry, I am going to summarize the Nine Noble Virtues of Asatru.

Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear (that's just foolhardiness). Rather, courage involves doing what needs doing in spite of the very real feelings of fear. The soldier at war or the man defending his home certainly must exhibit courage, but each of us have an opportunity to exhibit courage (or cowardice) every day by standing up for unpopular but right positions and making those difficult decisions that we are all called on to make as adults.

Truth

Truth involves not just a lack of dishonesty (not lieing, not defrauding others), but being truthful with others, as well as ourselves, by accepting the world as we find it, rather than as we would like it to be.

Honor

Honor is kind of like pornography. We have a difficult time defining it, but we know it when we see it. When one is living a life of honor, one knows that what one is doing is right and true and decent. I life lived honorably is one lived without regret or excuses.

Fidelity

Our lives can be defined by the connections that we have with others, not just our spouses but also our friends, our community and our god(s). Fidelity involves treating those bonds with the honor and respect that they deserve.

Self-Discipline

Self-discipline is the exercise of will over desire that is necessary to live honorable lives within a culture that increasingly adopts the motto "If it feels good, do it". It is the exercise of self-discipline that upholds honor and the other virtues of Asatru.

Hospitality

Hospitality is often used within the context of how we treat those who enter our homes. While this is an important aspect of hospitality, hospitality also applies to our day-to-day lives outside of the home. At its heart, hospitality envolves treating everyone with the dignity and respect they deserve, even (or especially) when they would be unlikely to return the favor.

Industriousness

Industriousness doesn't involve just hard work and dedication. At its heart, it is about translating the ideals of the Nine Noble Virtues into action. It is also living life to its fullest, approaching the most mundane of tasks with the same determination and vigor as the most important.

Self-Reliance

Self-reliance involves doing what can be done for ourselves instead of relying others to do the doing for us. Charity is to be reserved for those who have tried and failed through no fault of their own.

Perseverance

The last of the Nine Noble Virtues, this is certainly not the least important. The world is an imperfect place and nothing worth doing comes easy. There will be setbacks. We will stumble. On occassion we will fail to live in accordance with the values of Asatru. It is he who perseveres, who pushes on, who picks himself after he stumbles, that ultimately succeeds.

Take Care and Be Safe,
Ian

My First Meme

2006-03-16T21:07:00.000-05:00

I was recently tagged by Drew for my first meme (I feel so loved!).

Drew's question is:

If you could go back in time and relive any moment in your life exactly as it originally happened, what would you choose to experience again? (Note: You cannot alter the out come; you'd just relive the experience).

This, for me, is a no brainer. When I was 11 years old, I attended a sleepover at my best friend's house. It was just me and him. His mom was there, but she pretty much stayed in her room all night. Well, one thing lead to another, and we decided to "experiment". Yes, that means what you probably think it means, and no, I'm not going to go into any detail.

While I couldn't be able to alter the outcome of that experience (see Drew's question above), without the emotional dampers of the heterosexual facade, I would like to think that I would enjoy the experience much more.

And now for my question:

"If you could go back into any point in time and give yourself one piece of advice, what point in time would you go to, and what would be the advice?"

And I tag:

Sharing A Bed

2006-03-03T05:58:00.000-05:00

I was originally going post about my second adolescence, but Chris and Drew have already covered that topic pretty well. Besides, something happened last night that I wanted to talk about instead.

For a guys that works relatively normal 9-6 office hours, I normally stay up pretty late. It's not unusual for me to be up past midnight on a weeknight. However, these last few days have left me drained both physically and emotionally and I've been going to bed at 10:00 PM or even earlier. The Wife conversely has been staying up later and later, working on various projects or catching up on e-mail.

Last night, as I was going to bed at a relatively normal 10:30 PM, I gave The Wife a kiss goodnight and asked her not to stay up quite so late (the night before she hadn't made it to bed until 4:00 AM). She looked at me with this sword of distant expression and said, "Why? You don't want me there anyways?"

Man! That cut deep! I just shook my head and insisted that I did, but she didn't look very convinced. I'm not sure how convinced I was myself. Truth is there is at least a kernel of truth to what she said. I do feel somewhat uneasy when we are in the bed together. At the same time, I don't want to push her way anymore than my revelation already has.

She eventually did come to bed, again at 4:00 AM. When she did, I found myself forcing myself to stay in the bed. I think that feeling, that desire to get up, hurt more than her words last night.

Take Care and Be Safe,
Ian

My Motivation

2006-03-02T09:12:00.000-05:00

I have never been what you would call an outgoing person. In fact I'm a pretty private individual. I don't normally share my thoughts or feelings with others. There are people I talk to, at work, on-line, or in the neighborhood, but nobody I would consider a real friend. So why in the world would someone like me start a blog, of all things?

Well, I'm going through a pretty rough spot in life right now. I recently came out to my wife and I've got a lot of mixed up emotions that I'm dealing with. Keeping it all bottled up inside is just not working. I don't have anybody I feel comfortable talking to, not even (or perhaps especially not) my wife. So this blog is going to be my outlet. If others read it and can relate to what I'm going through, great. If some of those choose to share their own experiences, or just empathize with me, great. If I'm the only one who ever reads these posts, well that's Ok too.

Before I sign off from my initial post, I'ld like to take an opportunity to thank those who have come before me, setting an example and giving me the courage to try this out: Chris, Drew and Scotty.

Take Care and Be Safe,
Ian