Thursday, October 19, 2006

Movin' On

This song, written by Phillip White and Vincent Williams and performed by the country group Rascal Flats, may not have been written by or for a gay married man but it may as well have been. Both the music and the lyrics so perfectly capture so much of what I've been feeling the last few days/weeks/months I won't dilute it any further with additional commentary.


Movin' On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived liked I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

A man by the name of Nigel S. Evans has compiled a video on YouTube. The combination of music
and imagery creates a truly haunting effect.


Warning: if watching this video does not bring you to tears, seek immediate medical attention

Monday, October 02, 2006

Scary Fairy

For reasons I don't entirely understand, I seem to intimidate people. It's heart wrenching to see people that you respect and admire...friends, family, loved ones...back away from you, to see the fear in their eyes.

I don't try to be scary or intimidating. I like to think that I'm a pretty nice guy, that I'm approachable. At 5'11", 190 lbs (most of that being "pudge") I'm certainly not a physically imposing figure. I'm never physically violent. I am very rarely even verbally violent. You really have to go out of your way to piss me off before I go off. I've even had others tell me that I have the patience of a saint.

I admit there are times when I can be a bit intense, especially when I'm passionate about something. Is that really something to be afraid of?

Friday, August 18, 2006

Teacher's Pet

My wife and I homeschool our daughter. As part of the process of "keeping us legal" we have a year-end assessment to show that she is in fact actually learning something. This basically involves a certified teacher reviewing the work she's done over the year and giving his or her stamp of approval. There are a number of homeschooler-friendly assessors, so it is not as akward situation as one might expect.

Most years it's just my wife that meets with the assessor, but this year the meeting was scheduled early enough that I could join the meeting and still get to work on time. We arrived at the agreed-upon location, which turned out to be a coffee shop in the campus district which was, if not a gay hangout, certainly gay-friendly. While my wife was inside getting a muffin for herself and our daughter I grabbed a seat at one of the little tables that was setup outside while I finished off my cigarette.

Of course I wasn't just smoking while I was out there. I was also taking in the local scenery which, being as early as it was, admittedly sparse, but no less enjoyable. I was about halfway through with my cigarette when I saw a cute guy walking up the sidewalk. He had blonde hair cut in a "high and tight" style of haircut and he obviously worked out. While not big or bulky, his muscles were definitely well defined. I was pleasantly surprised when he flashed me a little smile (a smile which I happily returned). Then he started walking right towards me! Needless to say, this only made my smile that much bigger! That is until he was about ten feet away and I realized this was the assessor!

I had met him a time or two before (in addition to assessing homeschoolers, he also taught a number of classes at the rec center we frequent), but this was before "coming out to myself." Somehow at the time I didn't realize (or refused to admit) just how attractive he is! The difference a year makes...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I'm Ok (for some value of 'Ok')

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Some of you have noticed (which makes me feel pretty good, even if it does mean that I've given you cause to worry). I recently received a message from Troll, and before that another from Joe the Bear. Both said basically the same thing, "You haven't posted in awhile. Are you Ok?"

I was going to respond privately to Troll, but then I figured this would probably be as good a thing to post about as any.

I'm at a point in my life where I've accepted who I am (namely, a gay man). Hell, more than accepted! I enjoy checking out the cute guys at work, on the beach, in the mall, on the way to and from work. And I enjoy it even more when they check me out. I no longer get embarrassed if somebody catches me visiting a gay website (no porn, thank you very much! planetout.com, gaywired.com, that sort of thing).

Don't get me wrong, I've still got a long ways to go. I'm a gay man in a heterosexual marriage. That is not a viable long term solution. I know where I need to be (as a single gay man living on my own), I'm just not sure how to get there. But I know that one of these days, one way or another, I will get there.


Take Care and Be Safe,
Ian

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Game

It starts with a look. He smiles, and oh what a smile! I've heard people talk about a smile that lights up the room, but I've never experienced before. Until now. It is just so vibrant, full of joy! I can't help but smile back. I feel so giddy.

We talk about some project or another, but my heart isn't really in it. I am lost in those eyes that seem so deep.

Later, he calls me over to his cube. He wants to go over some issues. There is that smile again! The smile that goes all the way up to those deep, liquid eyes. I stand over his shoulder, trying to concentrate on the spreadsheet he has before him.

"Why don't you grab a chair," he says, his voice soft and comforting. I pull a chair over from a nearby cube. The current occupant is gone, probably off to lunch. He won't miss it. We sit next to each other, going over the data. His leg brushes mine. Was that an accident? Or was it intentional? It doesn't matter. The contact sends a jolt of electricity through me. There it is again! Was that the start of a smile that I saw?

One of the other developers comes into the cube. He suddenly moves his leg. The contact is broken. At least for now...

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Da Vinci Code

Today the movie The Da Vinci Code, based on the novel of the same name by Dan Brown, will be released in American theatres. Both the novel and the movie have sparked a great deal of controversy across the globe, including protests and riots. My own family has even gotten into the action, with my born-again sister forwarding this response by Anglican bishop Tom Wright.

Below are my Top Ten Reasons Why The Da Vinci Code Is Not A Big Deal. Feel free to create your own.

  1. Over 100 Dead in Fighting in Afghanistan
  2. US Spells Out Plan to Bomb Iran
  3. Basra Carbage Escalates as One Person Killed Every Hour
  4. NSA Has Massive Database of Americans' Phone Calls
  5. Security Issue Kills Domestic Spying Inquiry
  6. Cairo Clamps Down on Dissent
  7. Lawmaker Says Marines Killed Iraqis in Cold Blood
  8. Senate Panel OK's Gay Marriage Ban After Shouting Match
  9. Nomination of an Active Military General as Director of Central Intelligence
  10. 2439 American Dead in Iraq (and counting)

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Norns

An ash I know, Yggdrasil its name,
With water white is the great tree wet;
Thence come the dews that fall in the dales,
Green by Urth's well does it ever grow.

Thence come the maidens mighty in wisdom,
Three from the dwelling down 'neath the tree;
Urth is one named, Verthandi the next,--
On the wood they scored,-- and Skuld the third.
Laws they made there, and life allotted
To the sons of men, and set their fates.
Voluspo, 19-20

Urd (That Which Has Become), The Crone. It is she who trims the threads, pre-ordaining the length of the lives of both men and gods.

Verdandi (That Which is Becoming), The Mother, weaves the individuals threads, which represent each of our lives, into the Tapestry of Fate.

Skuld (That Which is Yet to Come), The Maiden. It is she who spins new threads from Urd's trimmings.

Together, they continually weave the Tapestry of Fate. But it is not a static tapestry. Rather, it is panorama, in constant motion. Sometimes it moves creepingly, imperceptibly. At other times, it rushes forward in great leaps and gusts, but it is always moving.